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Losing Our Baby

Friday, May 25, 2018

This post was supposed to be different--a happy announcement and not a painful one.



 I'm writing this post for a couple of reasons though--so many of y'all have been so invested in our story of infertility (I've gotten so many random messages from readers letting me know y'all were praying for us), I've seen first hand lately how important community is and how God uses community to show us His love, and writing my blog is cathartic.

This story begins on April 20 and below is a result of that....

This was taken after we had received our call from the doctor and we had collected ourselves and stopped crying!  You can see how unbelievably happy we are!

Written on April 26, 2018

How far along: 4 weeks as of Friday, April 20th!!!!!!!!!!  We are over the moon about this precious gift from God!!!  Our due date is December 28th!!

Size of Baby: I immediately downloaded the Ovia app and it says Baby Shaneyfelt is the size of a poppy seed!

Gender: We don't even care!!  We are just praying for a healthy pregnancy.

Movement: None and won't be for a while!

Sleep: I didn't sleep any the night we found out because I knew we were telling our families that weekend (more on that below).  But starting Sunday, the fatigue has kicked in and it is real.  I never thought pregnancy symptoms happened this early, but I really am tired.

Symptoms: This may be tmi but I had no idea constipation was a symptom of pregnancy because no one talks about it!  Yep.  I'm also really tired all the time, and I've had a little cramping which makes me feel better because I know my body is doing what it's supposed to do.  And because I've dealt with infertility for so long, I feel like I've become really in-tune to how my body feels, so I can tell that I'm pregnant.  I'm bloated and there's a strange sensation--kind of like pressure--in my lower abdomen.  It lets me know something is there!

Maternity Clothes: Nope!

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing yet, although I saw someone post about fried chicken and I instantly craved chicken fingers one night.  That is so unlike me so Dustin was so sweet and went and got me some!

Missing Most: Caffeine ha!

Nursery: We knew what room the future nursery would be before we built our home, so I'm so excited to see it transform!  We'll wait until we find out the gender to decorate.

Dustin: Is so excited and the best!!  He's made sure I've had it easy this week and I can't wait to see him hold our baby!!

Best Part of the Week: Finding our we're pregnant!  And we had the best time telling our families!  Yes, we told early, but IVF hinders any sort of surprise.  Our families knew about our transfer so we told them early so they could continue to pray for us.

Can't Wait For: This Friday is my next doctor's appointment to check my blood work to make sure all of my numbers are doubling like they should!  Then at the 6 week appointment we have our first ultrasound and I cannot wait for that!



...and that's the only weekly pregnancy post I did.  


Right before our transfer in April


My nightly shot

Because I was an IVF patient, I went to weekly appointments for blood draws and ultrasounds.  My pregnancy test lab results on April 20th were outstanding.  We were so positive this was going to be a healthy pregnancy based on how high all of my numbers were.

Because I wanted to be hopeful, but also cautious, I quit writing the weekly pregnancy posts.  I figured I would pick back up at 12 weeks and we had planned on announcing our pregnancy between 8-9 weeks--which would be today.

Two days before we reached the 8 week milestone, we received the news at our doctor's appointment that we lost our baby....the baby we prayed so hard for.

Devastated doesn't even begin to describe how we both felt.  As we sat in the doctor's office to discuss a d&c, all I repeated to myself was "God is good.  He is still good."  That profession of God's character was something I had said so many times before to people when discussing our infertility that I knew it was of the upmost importance to remind myself of His goodness in that moment.  Even if I didn't feel it.

Two days later on the day I would be 8 weeks, we arrived at the hospital at 6 AM for the d&c.  I was so numb all morning until the anesthesiologist asked me how far along I was.  I cried when I got back to the operating room and the sweetest nurse held my hand and rubbed my forehead until they put me to sleep.  I cried when I woke up in recovery and remembered what had just happened.  I cried when they wheeled me back into the room with Dustin.




Immediately God used His people to show us how loved we were.  And instantly I began to see how important Christian community was and why God had created it.  People brought us food, wine, flowers, gift baskets, gift cards, and told us they were praying for us.  I saw more than ever how perfect Dustin and I are together.  I have leaned on him in my grief and he has been so patient and loving with me.

Thank you for sticking with it and reading this entire post.  Yes, this is a very sad post and the pain is real, but my hope is that you'll see past that and see that our hope remains in Christ.  As Christians, we sometimes have to remind ourselves of God's truth instead of listening to our emotions.  David cried out in the Pslams, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.  He dew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.  He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord" (Ps. 40: 1-3)  Life isn't easy, but we know we don't go through life alone.  My prayer is that whenever you experience suffering--and you will--that in your grief, you're able to praise God for who He is.

**I also want to mention that I had so many people (who didn't know we were pregnant) text me on Mother's Day telling me they were praying for me.  God knew I needed that because it was a couple of days after Mother's Day when we found out we lost our baby.  I am so thankful for those people who took time out of their day to text me because I had no idea I would be needing those prayers.

I'll be back to blogging soon.  I had thought about taking time off like I did after we found out we were pregnant, but I miss the community.  I've made so many friends from blogging, and I miss the interaction.  I know I'll also need the distraction this summer since my summer will be much different than what I had planned on it being.


30 comments:

  1. Wanted to offer my prayers and hugs. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal.

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  2. Wow...you are so strong to be sharing your story and going through the entire process. I will continue to pray for you! We are here for you!

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  3. Sarah, I am so, so sorry for all that y'all are going through-but so thankful that you're still proclaiming God's goodness through it all. Thank you for your bravery and being willing to share your story with the world-there are so many women who need your voice now more than ever!

    I'm praying hard for you & Dustin both!

    -Jordyn

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  4. Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m tearing up just reading your wise words and I can only imagine how devastated you must be. I’m praying for peace and comfort for you both during this time and that God will bless you with the baby that you long for.

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  5. Sarah I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. You have been on my mind over the past several months and I am so sorry this is the news you have to share. I admire your strength and courage an incredible amount and will continue to pray and keep you in my thoughts.

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  6. Sarah-So sorry to read this news today! I’ve checked back from time to time hoping for a positive update on your infertility. I’ve been praying for good news and will still pray for that to come! Take care!

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  7. Sarah - my heart broke reading this. I'm sending you lots of love today, this weekend and always.

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  8. Reading that headline stabbed me in the heart. Dang it. I'm mad for you, sad for you, and just heartbroken because this is so unfair. Will be continuing to keep you in my prayers. You are loved and seen by so many. <3

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  9. You are in my prayers, Sarah.

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  10. Oh Sarah, I am so sorry to read this news. My heart hurts for you and Dustin having to experience this. You both will be in my prayers. I know God has something incredible in store for tour family.

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  11. I’ve been wondering where you were. I feared this was why. My heart breaks, just breaks for you guys! I know you want to scream and cry and kick and be mad as all get out. I Know that feeling and I’m so so sorry! I know words are just words but please please know my prayers for you never stop, they are flooding in, in all forms and my heart is with you precious friend!

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  12. Thinking of you 💕💕💕💕

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  13. Sarah I am so sorry for yours and Dustin's loss. But I am so amazed at your faith in Christ. I know He has BIG plans for you. I will be praying for you both

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  14. Thank you for sharing something very hard and thank you for always pointing to Christ. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you.

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  15. Oh Sarah, my heart is so heavy for you. I pray every single night that you and Dustin will be blessed with the baby that you want so badly. Miracles do happen so never give up! I have three separate personal friends who tried for nearly a decade to get pregnant and just when they thought it would never happen it did! I just pray for you to have comfort and peace in your time of waiting. Waiting is so hard.

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  16. Oh how my heart aches for you. I can not imagine the pain you are going through. Prayers for you and your husband through this difficult time. May God give you both the peace and strength you both need. Much love, thoughts and hugs sent your way. Thank you for having the courage to share your story to others. Your stories have all been so inspiring to me.

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  17. Praying for you and Dustin. You are an inspiration, and your blog is a blessing to me. May God heal, bless and refresh you. From one to teacher to another....enjoy your summer break.

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  18. I'm so very sorry. :( Praying for healing for your heart and your mind as you wind down this year and look towards the summer. Hugs.

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  19. Praying for you and your husband! I find it beautiful that you both are still believing that God is still good and trusting in his plan! The beautiful part is that one day you will get to meet this beloved baby in heaven! I will continue to pray for you both in your time of healing <3

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  20. I was hoping for happy news as your journey has been tough. I'm so sorry. Praying you move forward with renewed energy!

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  21. So sorry for your loss. I will be thinking and praying for you and Dustin.

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  22. So sorry for your loss, Sarah. Sending lots of prayers your way.

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  23. I'm so sorry for your loss! It took us five years to get pregnant and reading this took me right back there with you. The pain and hopelessness hurts so bad. I'm praying for you!

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  24. We had the same thing happen to us (IUI vs IVF) on our first pregnancy and looking back, it was then that He carried me during some of my darkest hours through a valley of grief. The journey is hard but our God is mighty and able. Praying for you!

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  25. My heart breaks for you guys - your in my prayers frequently!

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  26. I'm so sorry for your loss...my heart breaks for you.

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  27. Y'all are in my prayers and I thank you for sharing for others. Thinking about you!

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  28. God is still good. I am praying that God grants you and your husband the desires of your heart in the blessing of a baby. Bug hugs

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