Slider

Entering 2018 Grieving and Hopeful

Thursday, December 28, 2017

I'm not going to sugar coat it--2017 was a tough year for us.  Last December I had surgery and discovered that I had severe endometriosis.  So severe that my doctor also had to remove my appendix before it ruptured from all the endometriosis.  I also found out that IVF would be our highest chance of being able to get pregnant.  So starting 2017 was sad, but after much prayer, I was ready to do whatever it would take to have a baby.

2017 marked three rounds of IVF meds.  During the first round at the beginning of May, I had to stop after day eight because my body wasn't responding.  We were able to fully complete the second round and go through with a fresh transfer in July.  I started bleeding on our anniversary and our loss was confirmed the next day at the doctor.  You can read about that here.

July 18, 2017--pregnant for the first time with twins!

I went through a third round of IVF meds in October and instead of having a fresh transfer, we opted to have our embryos frozen so I could give my body time to fully recover.  For those of you who have never gone through an egg retrieval, it's pretty rough on your body.  I remembered how sore and swollen I still was during our transfer in July, so I felt like it would be so much better to let my body rest and recover.

Our next transfer was December 13.  We didn't tell too many people because even though we covet everyone's prayers, this is a hard situation emotionally to walk through.  I was terrified of losing these babies and then having to tell everyone.  I needed to be able to protect my heart and wanted to share our news (hopefully good news) in our own time.  This time was different than the last.  When you deal with fertility issues, I've found that you become really in tune with your body.  I had cramping two days but we hoped and prayed it was just implantation.  I went for my blood test the Friday before Christmas and the nurse called me a few hours later with the news....I wasn't pregnant any longer.


December 13, 2017--officially pregnant again with two perfect babies

I don't know if it's just me or Christians in general, but I feel guilty questioning God.  I know that I should trust Him.  I know that He is sovereign over everything.  I know His plans are always better.  But my heart questions why.  Why us?  Why can't we get pregnant like everyone else?  Everything about this transfer was textbook perfect, and we were so very hopeful.

I wrote in August about how so many of the Psalmists cry out to God in their suffering and pain, but end those same Psalms praising God for who He is--and who He is is good and just and compassionate and loving.  Even though my heart still hurts and wonders why we can't have the babies we pray for and long for, the things that I know about God are sustaining me right now.  John 4:24 tells us that "God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth."  I know my heart will eventually accept what the Lord has given us, but right now my knowledge of who God is gives me the strength to get out of bed each morning and go throughout my day.  This is why it is so important to have good theology (good and solid knowledge of God) when you go through a trial or suffering!

Because of God's sovereignty over every situation, I came across a blog post a few hours after receiving the bad news.  This blogger found out she will never be able to carry her own children and she wrote this about dealing with grief during the holidays:

"Trust that hope will come, and praise Him while you’re waiting. If we waited until we felt like praising God, He’d rarely receive our praise. Sometimes we must choose to praise Him even though our hearts don’t feel like it."

I'm hopeful as I enter into the new year.  God has given Dustin and I such a strong desire to have children that I know He will see that through one day.  The waiting is hard and getting harder.  But I am choosing to be hopeful this year in that maybe 2018 will be the year God blesses us with a child, and if not, I will still praise Him.

My goal for this blog post is not for you to read this and think, "Man, she's got it all together" (because I don't) or "Her faith is so strong" (because it's not--it's the Holy Spirit within me).  What I hope and pray that you see is God's goodness  and mercy in this situation.  He is my strength.  He is my provider.  He is my joy.  So if you're going through something right now that's really hard, know that your identity isn't found in your suffering.  I know that my identity isn't found in being a mother or a wife or a teacher.  My identity is found in Christ.

Aside from a special pre-scheduled post tomorrow, I'll be taking next week off of blogging.  I've really had to step away from social media this Christmas season because selfishly, my heart hurts when I see pictures of babies or pregnancy announcements, and I really have to guard my heart right now.  Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us or sent an email or note of encouragement.  We appreciate every single one of you!

“No faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs through adversity. Tested faith brings experience. You would never have believed your own weakness had you not needed to pass through trials. And you would never have known God’s strength had His strength not been needed to carry you through.” – Charles Spurgeon

27 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you and Dustin! My grandma and I were talking over some things last week and she made a comment that hit home with me - we were not promised a life without pain. And like you said, if we waited to praise God when we felt like it, then it would rarely happen. Love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  2. My heart is breaking for you. Knowing how it feels to struggle for so long to achieve something that seems so easy for others I can relate completely. I am sending lots of love your way during this time. I don’t blame you for taking some time away from blogging sometimes it’s best to just step away. Hugs friends.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So brave of you to share, Sending you both lots of prayers!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh sweet girl...my heart is aching for you. You are so incredibly beautiful inside and out. I will be praying for you and Dustin...and your sweet momma because i know her heart is hurting for her girl. Lots of love from Texas!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Sarah such hard news to be reading! I’m so sorry for the trials you are going through, but I pray God’s plan will endure, and he will one day make you a mother. Thinking of you! Stay faithful and strong!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel for you. One of my good friends is going through this, too, and I just HATE it for her. I suggested that she do the same with the social media break. It's good for you to know what your limits are. Take care of you. Many hugs to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I’m so sorry y’all are going through this. Prayers for continued strength in the Lord and that he would make a miracle happen!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know that nothing I say now will make any of this better or easier. All I can say is that you are strong for going through this, you are brave for sharing your struggles with us (which is helping others out there, while also helping you process and heal) and you are loved and prayed for. I’m always here if you need to talk or cry or anything. Always!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sarah, I went through infertility in the 80's, sadly we never had children, but God blessed me with an awesome husband, and it is still hard at times..but easier now that I'm older, except all my friends have grandchildren now..just know that I totally understand your pain, please know others have been there and know exactly how you feel..take care.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Praying for you. I have been going through the same thing of infertility. Me and my husband have been trying for two years and it has been a hard journey. But I’ve had amazing strength from the Lord and he’s helped me through the hardest of times. He is good all the time!! Prayers for you during this time, I know how hard it can be longing for children and to become a momma. My heart is right there with yours. Beautiful words, thank you for being open and sharing your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You know I love you and I understand what you are going through! It hurts, it sucks, you feel so defeated but hope is never ever lost no matter how low we go! Our savior walks with you everyday and he is there in pain and in triumphs. We fail, our bodies fail, we falter and we sin, but hang on to the hope, the dream.....the life you and Dustin pray for will happen! Hugs and so much love to you!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You don't know me but I have followed your blog and you have been in my prayers. Dealing with infertility is so hard and can be lonely. Just know even strangers are praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you so very much for leaving this comment! It's very encouraging to know that people I don't even know are praying for us and our future children!

      Delete
  13. I’ve read your blog sporadically for.. oh gosh, I don’t even know... maybe a couple of years? But am not a blogger myself and have never commented. Today, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your heart. My husband and I are walking a similar road, and I resonate so strongly with everything you have written. My anthem through everything lately is “faithful He has been, and faithful He will be.” Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for using something so personal and painful to encourage even strangers. I will be praying for a blessed 2018 and that the Lord will give you the desires of your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sarah, I don't think I have ever commented, but I've been reading your blog for awhile now. Ever since your last post on your IVF journey I have been thinking about you. Thank you for the update, and while I was SO hoping for good news, I hope it provides some comfort to know that there are many praying for you, including myself, and you definitely are not walking this journey alone! Hugs from NC!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Stand on his promises!! Write them down and declare them daily! When I get a chance, I’m going to share with you my similar story. Spoiler alert: Turner :) “He KNOWS the desires of your heart!”

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks for this update, friend. Always thinking of you and praying for you and Dustin specifically as you go through this.

    ReplyDelete
  17. My prayer for you is that you can look back ten years from now and understand why God has you in this incredibly hard valley right now. I can only begin to imagine the emotional and physical roller coaster you are currently on. Hugs and many prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Before I finished reading your post I got down on my knees & prayed for you, dear sister. Tears almost came to my eyes at your words of strength through Christ. I needed reminding of that, too, today. As His children, our identity is secure in Him. Thanks for praising Him in the storm & encouraging my heart to that same goal. Love in Christ!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I just came across your blog post and my heart goes out to you. My husband and I struggled with infertility for several years and after failed treatments, God lead us down the road of adoption. We have the most amazing little girl, if only I could have seen his plan when I was walking through the hard stuff. I will be praying for you on your journey to start a family.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you for being so bold with your faith in these tough times. Reading your story really challenges me to examine my heart and priorities. Praying for you often even though we've never met.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thinking of you and Dustin! Infertility is such a hard and lonely road to walk down. I'm so sorry for all of the sadness and loss 2017 brought your way, but I hope the coming year is full of hope and joy for you. I think of you often so I will start praying for your family when you pop in my head or on my social media feed this year.

    ReplyDelete
  22. My husband and I were infertile years ago and went through fertility drug treatment and several surgeries. After five years we were able to adopt a beautiful little girl and when she was four, I miraculously became pregnancy with another beautiful daughter. Three years later I delivered a third daughter to complete our family. They are all grown now and we have two adorable grandsons. Keep your faith in God and never give up! I never did. I will pray for you!

    ReplyDelete
  23. My heart breaks(as I'm reading this now) for you both. Infertility is a hard road and I'm so sorry for the miscarriages. I am thrilled for reading updates about you and will be praying.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment on my blog! I respond to every single comment via email, so if you are a no-reply blogger, I cannot respond to your comment.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
CopyRight © | Theme Designed By Hello Manhattan